I’m a planner by nature and profession. I love to plan every single detail. I planned for so many months, years ahead with DJ that now that he’s not here I’m somewhat at a loss.
All my future plans included him in it. Birthdays, getaways, even work stuff. On September 5, 2018 when I was told that I’ll be giving birth early at 24 weeks, I cancelled my flight plans for the following month. I figured I’d be spending months in the NICU with my sweet baby. I didn’t at all think I would’ve been saying goodbye to him instead. I’d take NICU stay over this feeling!
During a recent conversation with my husband, I told him I’m finding it difficult to do some of the simple tasks I used to do before DJ passed. My memory has become even shoddier and I’m so easily overwhelmed or frustrated by everything. I’ve changed so much as a person and I hate it. I hate not being able to multitask and being so easily distracted, even when I try so HARD. It’s all so much sometimes. It’s exhausting. And I’m EXHAUSTED!
When I saw 2019, I saw myself being at home, on my maternity leave caring for my baby and being so engulfed by motherhood. Instead, I’m here. A grieving mom. How did I get here? How did this happen? It’s not supposed to be this way…
Because I love, I grieve.
I’ll always love my son so I guess I’ll always be grieving him leaving so untimely. For those who haven’t experienced pregnancy or infant loss, please try to understand, I’m not stuck. Time is constantly going by and I need some time to re-adjust. This thing called grief isn’t linear. There are days when it’s just too much for me to bear. Too much to show all the strength you seem to think I have- even though I thank God for this strength daily because without it I really don’t know where I’d be right now. Too much to hold in the tears that have welled up inside. Too much to even care…
Grief has changed me.
I now realize that this is something I’ve to carry with me instead of trying to put it behind me. Because every time I try to hide from grief, somehow it finds me, somehow it shows up. In ways I didn’t even expect and knocks me down. So I’m taking my own advice.
While I’ve no answers for why this has happened, my baby died and I’m still here. Time hasn’t stood still and neither have I. I’m still living.
And I’m taking his memories with me 💙💖
This beautiful graphic was created by Heather Tims for angel babies in ‘R.A.I.N Baby Loss Graphics’ group on Facebook.