My partner and I have been together for over 7 years and we had been trying to conceive for quite some time. However, we seriously started in 2016 and I found out I was pregnant in March,2017. I didn’t couldn’t believe it because I was still seeing my period and I burst out into tears. I couldn’t stop myself from crying. No one was happier than me when I realized I was a soon to be mother!
I started going to the clinic and making sure I was taking my prenatal vitamins. I was so excited and wanted the pregnancy to be as healthy as can be (every pregnant woman’s wish!) Then the problems started…
Occasionally, I would bleed heavily and I would run to my doctor to find out if my baby was doing fine. Luckily, everything was well and I could breathe with a sigh of relief! When I started to feel the baby’s movements, I was on top of the world! I started thinking about the names for the baby and what to buy for him. I just knew in my heart I was having a boy, I could just tell without knowing for sure (mother’s instinct they call it.. lol!)
As the baby grew, I could feel the heaviness of the baby and thought that was normal. I mean I was carrying a whole extra human in my body! At 22 weeks, I went for my checkup. It was at this checkup that I got the worst news that I’d never imagined I’d received. I was being admitted to the hospital where I’d be placed on bed rest because my cervix was dilating. The baby could’ve fallen out I thought. I was so heartbroken, but still hopeful that my baby would be safe.
I was in hospital for one week until I started to hemorrhage, which brought on pre-labour. I laboured for no less than 8 hours. I just lied in the bed. I couldn’t move. The pain was nothing I have ever felt before. Soon, I was looking at my 23 week old very premature baby boy weighing 0.66kg. The most handsome baby I have ever seen and he was mine!
I started to pray to God for him to past the worst. I prayed so hard! Unfortunately, he only lived for one day before he passed away…. I became so heartbroken.
How could this have happened? How could God have allowed this to happen to me? To us? After losing my baby I cursed God. I questioned Him and I asked how could He give me a beautiful boy and take him back from me. It just wasn’t fair! I locked away from everyone and everything and refused to speak about it. As time passed by, I finally became comfortable with speaking about what happened and face persons again.
In April, 2018 I found out I was pregnant again and this time I knew in my heart everything would work out better than before. I started going to the clinic earlier this time around. I even started taking a medication (which was J $7000 per bottle) nightly. The medication was to keep my womb from sending messages to brain that I was ready to have my baby. I made my appointment to get my cervix stitched because I had found out I’d an incompetent cervix.
I was as happy as can be because I felt I was doing everything right this time around. NO pain. NO bleeding. NO heaviness in my belly. Baby girl was growing and moving fine. Me and my boyfriend were overjoyed by it all! Finally! Our rainbow baby was on the way. We started to purchase stuff for the baby and share the good news with our families and friends. This time, we decided to name the baby ‘Jeh^Nesis’- the beginning of our blessing.
I went for my checkup when I was almost fully 6 months pregnant… Only to be sent to the hospital to be put on bed rest.. AGAIN! I could actually see the baby’s foot and I immediately started to cry. The baby was coming and my cervix was fully dilated. The only thing holding the baby inside my womb was the cervical stitch they’d placed. I couldn’t believe this was happening again.
Due to the pressure from the baby, I started to feel pain and went into premature labour again on October 3, 2018. This time I felt excruciating pain like no other. The first set of pain was when the doctor was trying to remove the stitches from my cervix. Then the labour pains began. Could you believe my Jeh^Nesis the baby I thought was going to be the beginning of my blessing almost killed me? First, she was breeched. Then her head got stuck… I couldn’t push anymore! I had to find strength to push her out. When I heard her cry, I said yes! Thank you God she will be okay. She weighed 0.78kg. When it was time for the after birth, it didn’t want to come out. They had to rush me to surgery to remove it. I didn’t wake up until late the following day.
My baby girl lived for one day before she passed away. I am still devastated to know that I lost two babies in two years, one boy and a girl. It broke my soul. Sometimes I think the devil is speaking to me to kill or hurt myself because I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I didn’t question or curse God this time. I continue to pray and ask Him to help me get through this very painful journey and I am thankful for the prayers and support of some of my close family members. My boyfriend didn’t take it well this time. So not only am I dealing with two losses, I am also dealing with the possible ending of our relationship.
In all of this, what hurts the most is when people say things like: “You should not try again” or “Baby road is not for you.”
Since last year into this year, everyone who I knew was pregnant, brought home their babies. Except for me. TWICE.
But I’m not giving up hope and I know if I can get through this I can overcome anything!
Submitted by: O. Taylor 🇯🇲